Double Shot

This has nothing to do with espresso.


I've heard it said that getting over the finale of any relationship takes twice the length of the relationship. Now, this may not be true in all cases. But it's a benchmark, and I think it just might work that way. Human brains are excellent aren't they? An example, and this likely will just lead to new questions to write about, is a particularly bad relationship I once was in, about 3 years ago. I don't like to talk about it, but I am at a point in recovery that I can say all manner of things I could not say before. I can say the name of the person who destructively influenced a year and a half of my life simply by convincing me to continue dating him. And that is a huge step. I made it recently. Within the past few months, once I was talking, and referred to him, and it just came out and I nearly stopped, thought about what I'd said.....
I'd said it. Nothing had hurt me. That part was over.

I read a correspondence from the next longterm boyfriend I'd had and suddenly recalled 'flashbacks' that I used to have. He helped me through them. And I helped myself a lot. He knew what to do, what to say, and I can't begin to measure the gratitude I feel toward him for his patience. He's one of Many who were endlessly patient, who gave me hugs, shoulders to cry on, advice, respect, admiration ("of all things!", i thought at the time and understand now), places to stay when I was afraid to stay at my place, smiles, reasons to pick up and move on from it, and ways to do so.
After careful consideration, I sought counseling. It seemed logical. I talk to the wisest woman. And I waited to go to her until I was strong enough to form my own opinions about her, whoever she might turn out to be. I went in, reserved, thinking 'If I don't like it, I'll Never come back here.' I came back. And my life has improved drastically since.

The bad part seems like it never happened, in the sense that I no longer blame myself much. I accept that it happened. I hardly even think about it, actually; something folks told me would happen and I had the hardest time believing. I'm over it, essentially, yet with life experience. I've even developed an appreciation for things that occurred during that time that weren't all that bad. I wish I'd been kinder to myself, but I'm past the point of regret for anything done or not done.

And I love myself. In a non-solipsistic, non-narcissistic way, I see that I'm beautiful and important. That I deserve love and the best life can offer. And that I deserve to be the person I feel I am, not the character someone else tried to box me up to be.

I like my packaging, I like my contents, and yet I'm not here to be sold. If my personality excites you, impassions you, encourages you, Wonderful! I'm thrilled to be part of your life. I'm not going to change my interests to impassion you. My interests are broad, and I'm open to learning. I'm not going to encourage something I don't endorse. Doesn't mean I'll stop you, but I'm not going to lie. I may be here to entertain, but I'm also here to be entertained. It's not a "two-way street." I mean, drive where you want. No one needs someone else to drive in the other direction. It's those horses at the playground that you had to pedal in order for the person sitting opposite you to get to really move fast. I don't expect you to know the horses. They may have only been at one playground. But the concept is easy to understand. Even on stage, I'd expect an audience. In love, I expect love.


Didn't I say it had nothing to do with espresso?*

*Of course, the over-simplification of relationships boiled down to a concentrated formula which is what the masses are most willing to consume because of their rapid-pace inflicted on themselves and by the pressures of society could sound a bit like espresso. If you read into it.